Thinking Sex

Sex ..... something so complexly layered.......Been having sex for some 19 years. wow......I have always been a really sexual creature from a very early age......I don't ever remember feeling innocent......It continually gets better and better with each lover that I have explored with. I feel such a release when being sexual...lately, I have really enjoyed my submissive side greatly...it provides such a wonderful break from having to be in control all the time, sometimes I crave this at certain times......Still I know I'm limited.... that there is so much more...... Although I have experimented alot, I can lack real intimacy, I'm extremely shy. Sometimes I cry after sex, which means that I really needed something released and feel safe enough to do so. My lover is so sweet about this and always asks if I'm okay. I like to be held extra afterward, it really makes me feel loved. Sometimes I feel too sexual, I have had my share of negative experiences with stupid boys when I was younger and some things still hurt. I have been raped. I never really stopped long enough to think about it. I never even cried about it. I wish I could regain my innocence in a way. I know what it feels like to be different sexually, especially the spanking thing, at first I felt such shame and embarrassment, I know what its like to try and repress something and then feel it even more. I feel that I'm not quite in touch with myself in a way, what is it that I'm truly craving, needing, desiring.